Cormac McCarthy clearly wrote The Counselor as a kind of grand poem, mentally inflating his subject to the level of Greek tragedy. The dialog has a disorienting quasi-philosophical snappiness to it that I must admit I found kind of enjoyable, at least for a while. The problem with the film is that it’s damn-near completely pointless. The only thing this film has to offer its audience is the implicit advice that one should never, ever get involved in a business deal with a Mexican drug cartel, no matter how peripherally. But isn’t this obvious to everyone at this point? Hasn’t this ground been covered a million times before?

Cormac McCarthy’s screenwriting is very clearly influenced by the Coen brothers, and follows their general template almost exactly. The first third of the movie generates a lot of excited, non-specific anticipation, with extended scenes of funny, quirky dialog, and a murky set-up that leaves a lot to the imagination. In the second third, the story starts narrowing in a way that precludes all the wishful narrative fantasies engendered by the first third, the quirky dialog is suddenly recognized to be a lot a pointless, flashy hot air, and you start fearing the worst. The last third is a depressing bloodbath that is so fucking bleak and pointless you want to kill yourself.

I should have seen it coming. In the beginning of the film, several characters try to warn Michael Fassbender that it might not be a good idea for him to get involved with this drug cartel, explaining that if anything goes wrong he might get a “bolito” thrown over his head (a piano-wine loop with a little motor, which slowly tightens the loop down to a point, severing his neck in a depressingly automated and mechanical fashion, and eventually popping his head clean off,) or his wife could get beheaded on film and that snuff film mailed to him to watch. Any normal person hearing this would just say “you’re right, let’s call it off,” but not Michael Fassbender. He’s all in. We’re never told why.

The distractingly stylized dialog and the fabulous ensemble of warm, talented actors that got involved with this piece of shit movie obscured the fact that this movie was moving inexorably toward someone dying a horrible, writhing death by “bolito,” and someone getting made into a snuff film. And sure enough, these eventualities (and the ensuing sadness) turn out to be the entire artistic focus of the film. Come to think of it, this film is worse than pointless. It sets you up to be emotionally eviscerated, on a subject that is completely meaningless to most people.

Trust me, you don’t want to watch someone die a horrible, writhing death by “bolito.” Just skip this ridiculous film – these so many other, fabulous films from this year that most people have never seen, films like Europa Report, The Attack, To The Wonder, A Hijacking (Kapringen), and Costa-Gavras’ Capital. Feast on these instead! The Counselor will give you nothing but depression and nightmares you don’t need or deserve.