Prometheus is a ridiculous piece of shit. It features hands-down the most disgusting movie alien ever – let’s just call it a giant, walking vagina with teeth, rope-like tentacles and a huge, thick penis that gets stuffed down people’s throats. If you are trying to work through an aversion to oral sex, don’t watch this film.

For a movie about humanity meeting its makers, Prometheus is incredibly boring. The dialog never transcends military logistical jargon, and among the largely interchangeable cast of characters there is no sense of intelectual curiosity, historical perspective, or even common sense. In fact, they act like a bunch of goof-balls who travel 14 trillion miles to participate in a frat party. I particularly liked when they get the alien head back to the ship, and Noomi Rapace is like “let’s shoot electricity into it, and see if we can blow it up!”

So if this movie has no dialog and nothing interesting to say, what does it have? Well, there’s lots of evil black slime, some of which gets ingested, there are possessed, cobra-like penis-beings that swim around and “fuck” people, there’s an axe-headed alien stick man who screams like a banshee, and Noomi Rapace gets to give birth to a three-legged squid.

Then there are the demented bodybuilders with translucent ivory skin who supposedly invented humanity. So the story goes, they did a one-eighty and decided they wanted to kill us all – fine,  I guess the movie has to be about something. But consider for a moment their bizarre and unwieldy bio-engineering plan to finish us off: living slime, attack-penises, squid impregnations, walking vaginas? What the fuck is wrong with these guys? Were they really going to bus all this shit across the galaxy and dump it on us? It’s so elaborate, so flamboyant, so impractical, and so difficult to manage and control (obviously, since they all wound up getting deep throated by the vagina monster before they could even launch their ships.)

Prometheus does have one redeeming feature, however. Those ripped-up alien dudes are perhaps the ultimate cautionary tale about the dangers of steroid use.