The reasons my wife and I went to see Dark Shadows were 1) the preview looked sort of fun, 2) we kind of like Johnny Depp’s weird shtick, and 3) the Barry White song at the end of the preview. I realize these are not great reasons, but there you have it – it was Friday night at the end of a long week. Well, I can tell you that the movie adds surprisingly little to what was already in the preview (it certainly adds no additional humor,) and I found myself sick of Johnny Depp’s crap about 1/4 of the way through (largely because the film is terribly written.) As for the Barry White song, they broke one of the cardinal rules of movie soundtracks: if you are going to use an old pop song for comic relief, it must be a bad pop song. They completely destroy the fabulous You’re My First, My Last, My Everything by using it as accompaniment to a ridiculous and disgusting tongue-in-cheek sex scene between the two super-normal characters who roll around on the ceiling and smash things. Not only was it shameful of them, it of course did not work – you can’t layer a great song over visual vomit and expect harmony.

The only other thing I would like to add is that kid that plays the daughter (Chloë Grace Moretz) is one of the worst young actresses I’ve seen in a long time. She is horrible, just like she was in Hugo. I don’t know why or how she is getting these roles. I’m making a mental note to avoid any film she is in. She makes Ellen Page look good: need I say more?

Just watch the preview for Dark Shadows and pretend you saw the movie. Sure, the ending is not included in the preview, but if you give it a moment’s thought, its ending is pretty damn predictable, is it not?