I really wanted to like Main Street because it has a lot of actors that I really like: Colin Firth, the fabulous Patricia Clarkson, Amber Tamblyn, Orlando Bloom (yes, I think he has a nice, interesting quality on screen and his acting isn’t all that bad if he sticks to certain simple roles,) the guy that played “the Ronimal” in Cedar Rapids, and even the venerable Ellen Burstyn. But the sad fact is that this film is a complete mess. The most important thing I can tell you about this movie is that the trailer is fucking brilliant – it makes the movie look way better than it actually is. Yet another case of the people making the trailer being better filmmakers than the actual makers of the film.

Main Street had three potential stories: 1) a story of a young girl (Tamblyn) torn between her love for a townie (Bloom) and her desire to escape her dying town, 2) the story of a shady corporation (represented by Firth) that wants to exploit a dying town to set up a hazardous waste treatment plant, and 3) the story of an old lady (Burstyn) who is running out of money and thinks she might need to sell her house. The preview makes the movie look like a skillful blend of stories 1 and 2, but unfortunately actual movie spends 80% of its time on story number 3. But story number 3 is not a story, it’s a circumstance, and as a result there is not much else for the filmmakers to do except let Ellen Burstyn go hog-wild, ripping off these tedious and endless monologs about how she feels about her house.

Patrica Clarkson is as always dignified and skillful, but she has nothing to work with here. Orlando Bloom was cast really well and was primed to turn in a really good performance in this roll, but again he had no lines and nothing to do. The really great sounding narration (by Bloom) in the preview is not in the film at all (except at the very end, when it’s too late.) This was unfortunate, because this film could have used some well-written, well-delivered narration. Amber Tamblyn is stuck in an undeveloped backwater plot line that literally has no connection to the main story – she barely has any real interaction with Orlando Bloom (the preview makes it look like this beautiful, nuanced love story). She is such a good actress, why can’t she find any decent rolls to play?

What saved Main Street for me a little was Colin Firth. He actually succeeded in transcending his stifled film persona and turned in a performance that could almost be called charismatic. Unfortunately, it was in the service of a complete turd of a movie, but it was still fun to watch him break out of his shell a bit. But don’t get me wrong: Firth is not a reason to actually watch this film.

As a final remark, let me say that the ending of this film was so awful that it left my wife and I speechless. And as anyone who reads this blog will know, we are not usually at a loss for words if we don’t like something in a film.

I really hate to slam this movie, because I think it’s heart was in the right place, but it is just a dog of a film.