At first pass the problem with Did You Hear About the Morgans? is the weak and uninspired script. But then you remember that Hugh Grant is so talented he routinely pulls off mediocre crap. So what really went wrong? Three words: Sarah Jessica Parker.

Whatever you think of Sarah Jessica’s acting ability, she is undeniably a very cold and unfunny actress. The only other time that a Hugh Grant film has completely disappointed was 9 Months, where he was paired with Julianne Moore, who although infinitely more talented than Sarah Jessica, is similarly cold and unfunny. Hugh Grant himself is a bit cold – he needs to be paired with a warm female co-star. Think about his best films – Andie MacDowell: warm. Julia Roberts: warm. Drew Barrymore: warm. Toni Collette: warm. Rachel Weisz: really warm! Renée Zellweger: warm. All Hugh Grant needs is a decent match to work off of, and he is magic!

Imagine for a moment if they had cast Reese Witherspoon opposite him in this role. What a difference! Even with the lame-ass script they might have almost pulled it off, especially if they gotten some better music for it. At the very least his character’s interest in getting back together with his wife would now be plausible! How about Jennifer Garner, she’s pretty warm and funny. Even Sandra Bullock would have been a distinct improvement!

Instead, Sarah Jessica Parker sunk him like twelve-ton anchor.

Okay, let’s just face facts, shall we? Sarah Jessica Parker is a horrible actress. She kills any movie she’s in. She has zero on-screen presence or charisma. She’s ice cold. She is totally unfunny, with no comic timing. She has an irritating voice. Her acting is uniformly wooden – she has this unique talent of making you not care about anything she says or does on-screen. Her attempts at emotion are laughable, and when she goes “heartfelt” it induces nausea. She is not a good physical actress. And last but not least, she is (in my opinion) really unattractive, at least by Hollywood A-list standards. How on earth did she ever become a star? I will never understand it. Think of all the incredible actresses out there who never get any roles, outside shit that no one ever hears about. Laurel Holloman, for example – simply fabulous,  NO ROLES! How about Jennifer Ehle: fabulous, but the only way she can get 4 minutes on screen now is if she shaves her head and plays the pathetic, dying wife of some scum-bag, crooked cop. I could go on, almost endlessly. But good ole Sarah Jessica keeps raking in the plum roles.

But the script is still a huge problem. Let’s not kid ourselves, a film of this kind really does not need a fabulous story, but the story does need to be at least somewhat dignified. Here, the story is downright embarrassing in its complete lack of originality or tastefulness. It’s like they’re just recycling clichés from bad 1980’s films. They even dredge up Witness at the very end. It’s horrible!

They even managed to totally screw up the funniest line from the preview – the thing where Hugh Grant is reasoning with the 12′ grizzlie bear who is about to eat him. Not only do they destroy the spontaneity of the line through endless repetition of the joke’s components leading up to it, but they use an alternate take of the scene, one that’s not funny. It’s like they have no idea how comedy even works. Actually, if you really compare the way the bear scene is edited in the preview and in the movie, it becomes clear that the makers of the preview were way more talented than the makers of the film. Very sad.

Okay, enough. Skip it.