I don’t even know where to begin with this deeply disappointing film. I love the first 5 Potter films. They are warm, fun, endearing, well-written, exciting, with fabulous actors all around. They kept getting better, culminating in Order of the Phoenix, which shared many of the superb structural qualities of classic 1970’s political thrillers – high praise indeed! And the series was and is a unique event to be sure, with the child actors aging precisely with the story over seven years – there certainly is no  room for screw-ups.

But for some reason, someone decided that this rock-solid formula should be radically changed for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Why? Allow me to speculate:

After a disappointing showing by Harry Potter 5, a terrible economy, and faced with making the weakest book of the series into the next movie, the film makers panicked and brought in a market research consulting firm to tell them what to do. What follows is a leaked memo (probably internal, judging by the informal and somewhat unprofessional tone of it) outlining suggestions to the film makers for changes in approach to be considered for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

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Memo: Recommendations for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Recommended cost-cutting measures:

• Use cheaper CGI. Cover it up by shooting the film through maximal gray filter and distorting the images slightly, producing a fat, monochromatic effect reminiscent of certain styles of cartoon animation. No one will notice the down-grade.
  
• Stop having the Aurors move around in white smoke – that’ll save half the smoke costs.
• Cut back on set dressing for Hogwarts. No one cares if it looks fake or real. Dump the moving stairs, moving paintings, etc.
• Recycle the 20 year old set-dressing from Superman’s lair for the cave scene at the end of the movie.
• Dump the elves, they’re expensive, unattractive, and kind of annoying
  
• Cut the Dursleys – they’re unnecessary and they’re FUGLY – they aren’t helping anything.
  
• Cut all “continuity” actors, like Fudge, Trelawney, Umbridge, Moody, Cho, Myrtle, the little dweeb that was in Harry’s self defense class in 5, anyone that can go, goes. Keep the midget, though – people like that kind of thing.
  

Other suggestions:

Throw the Harry/Hermionie pairing at the audience constantly; this is your best bet to generate interest. Make the audience think they’re going to get it on. Scenes of them snuggling and touching tenderly. Have Ron and Lavender walk in on them snuggling. Have Dumbledore ask Harry about his love life, something like “I’ve been noticing you and Hermionie, Heh, Heh, Heh …”

< hand-written annotation in margin:  If Gambon complains that Dumbledore is suddenly acting totally silly and out of character, FUCK him. After this film he’s gone, so who cares what he thinks.>

Dump the lame-ass robes. Dress the kids “sexy-cool”, like Generation-X hipsters from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Use these images in the movie advertisements too.

The people watching this film are not wizards! Put in more real people – people need to see themselves in order to be interested. Have Harry pick up a hot black chick in a coffee shop. (Have Dumbledore say something about her like “well done, mate!”) And add scenes of London being destroyed by deatheaters, maybe a bridge buckling, like Golden Gate in an earthquake, thousands of NORMAL people dying. People will really respond to this – THIS is what they want to see!

In Dumbledore’s opening speech to Hogwarts, have him say something like “the enemy’s greatest weapon is YOU”, to conjure a post Nine-Eleven, “if you see something, say something” paranoia in the audience – the terrorism angle will make them more interested.

Invent a scene where the Wealesy House is attacked, to provide an opportunity to show Mr. and Mrs. Weasley looking like complete losers – will support Harry/Hermionie angle (Hermionie marry into THAT family?!). Have Mr. Weasley say something really pathetic like “Molly never leaves the house anymore.” Have Lupin and Tonks there, acting like they need psychiatric hospitalization; At the end, they should all be staring helplessly, watching their house burn, like Pale Rider.

Do a Blair Witch thing, like invent a scene where Harry and Ginny bolt into a pitch black corn field and get trapped by evil people. This will excite the audience – wake them up, if you will.

Research suggests people really like Bellatrix. Have more scenes of her, acting crazy. It does not matter if they make sense in the narrative.

Tell that Malfoy kid to lose weight. He should look like a Hollister dude.

Abandon the casting of Tom Riddle from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Cast a kid that looks and acts like Damien Omen instead, so the audience will get that he’s evil. And add a line like “I can hurt people who are bad to me,” just to be sure that they don’t miss the fact that he is evil.

Similarly, have Lucius Malfoy’s wife have streaks of black in her hair, so that people know she’s evil.

Emphasize Luna’s ditsy behavior. Have her dress in totally outrageous clothes (think Ugly Betty) and limit her utterances to comic nonsense. Make her the “dumb blond” – people love films with a dumb blond.

Minimize Neville and Hagrid as much as possible – polling suggests that at this point they are subtracting more then they are adding.

Imply a pedophilia angle to Slughorn’s “collecting” of students; have a scene with Dumbledore and Harry talking with each other (without looking at each other, implying shame) about Harry allowing himself to “be collected,”  with the subtext that Dumbledore wants Harry to let Slughorn fuck him. Implicit taboo will excite audience.

Have Ginny macking on a “big black guy” in public, with Harry watching – plays on white paranoid inferiority issues, which generates sympathy for Harry.

Do not show Ron and Hermionie kissing or touching – it will screw up the Harry/Hermionie angle. Have lots of scenes with Ron acting REALLY unattractively. Have him say a series of really stupid things, like “the thing about unbreakable vows is that you can’t break them”, things like that, so he’ll come across as a complete buffoon.

Do not have Harry and Ginny get together. Instead, just have a secret (and ambiguous) sexual encounter between them that leaves open the possibility that she might eventually become his back-door biaach.

When Snape cures Malfoy of Sectum Sempra, do NOT use “Episkey” as is done in the book. Instead, have him utter rhythmic Latin nonsense over and over, a la Eyes Wide Shut. This will subconsciously conjure the image of an “Eyes Wide Shut orgy” at Hogwarts.

Cut Dumbledore’s funeral. Instead, have all the wizards do a “Nine-Eleven / 1000 points of light” thing – this will link the deatheaters to Islamic terrorists in people’s minds, injecting emotion into Dumbledore’s death.

At the very end, have Harry and Hermionie standing side by side, looking like a gorgeous couple destined for procreation, with an ugly, defeated Ron stooped over in the background. This will send the right message to the audience about what to expect in the next film.

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Unfortunately, the film makers followed ALL of this advice. It’s a sad day for Potter fans, and makes me wonder what on earth they have in store for book 7.